


Pretty Pink Princess Protection Program

by viksherenqueer



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Asexual John Egbert, Mentions of Suicide, Multi, ill add ships as i go, mentions of vomit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-09
Updated: 2014-11-22
Packaged: 2018-02-24 17:50:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2590685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viksherenqueer/pseuds/viksherenqueer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Feferi Peixes is the heiress to an evil empire; an empire that she is not entirely sure she can dismantle and overthrow alone. Especially against a leader such as Her Imperial Condescension. When Alternia finally makes contact with planet Earth, Feferi views this as an opportunity. With the help of her friends and some new contacts she has on Earth, she begins smuggling trolls on the culling list to Earth to help them find a new life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> this work was inspired by an rp me and my moirail did a long time ago but yeah this is more of a world building chapter trust me next chapter ill try to make the plot make a lot more sense

\--cuttlefishCuller [ CC ] started trolling timaeusTestified [ TT ]--  
CC: Whale...  
CC: We have an issue!  
CC: 38(  
TT: And said issue is?  
CC: I am so lost right now.  
CC: Your human maps are senseless and confusing.  
CC: I’ve carped at anyone who will listen and TH-EY K-E-EP POINTING M-E IN THE WRONG DIR-ECTION!  
CC: It’s frustrating, reely.  
TT: This was a mistake.  
TT: I have royally fucked up agreeing to this.  
TT: I am fuckin’ doomed.  
CC: Water you talking about?  
TT: I have agreed to this highly illegal act assuming that you were more than just a pampered princess with an inflated sense of justice.  
TT: Apparently I was so wrong.   
CC: Oh shut up!!  
CC: I am on a N-EW planet where everyfin is different than my home! I am not just going to pick up a stupid map and know how to just use it!  
TT: We are going to get caught by fish genocide lady and shit is going to hit the proverbial fan.  
TT: Fictitious monkeys are throwing this shit, just incase you forgot.  
TT: We are caught in the crossfire and we’re attempting to hide behind a thin telephone pole like in cartoons, except our bodies don’t actually fit well behind said telephone poles and we’re just hoping she’ll overlook us.  
CC: Oh my god.  
CC: CLAM THE FUCK UP!  
CC: How hard is that for your feeble human brain to understand?  
TT: You’re like those little kids who yell cuss words in videos for shock effect.  
TT: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fear me I may be cute but I said fuck!!!!!!!!!!!  
TT: Ain’t nobody got time for that shit, princess.  
TT: Now just tell me where the fuck you are and I shall play your handsome knight in shining armor.  
TT: I shall show the princess exactly where her horse-drawn carriage waits.  
CC: Oh ow.  
CC: That looked painful.  
TT: What?  
CC: Some kid just got hit by a car.  
TT: Ha, sucks for that sucker.  
TT: Hey princess, where’d you go?  
TT: Oh my god.  
TT: Don’t help the kid who got hit by a car.  
TT: You are so helping the kid who got hit by a car.  
TT: My shit is fucked. I have agreed to help someone who wants to help everyone.  
TT: I’m going to die.  
TT: This is the end.  
TT: I’m dipping doritos in sour cream and salsa and this may be my last meal.  
TT: Fucking damn it.  
TT: I’m ordering forty-seven extra cheese pepperoni pizzas and I’m going to gorge myself before my untimely death.

**Feferi:**

The palmhusk in your hand continues to vibrate at a ridiculous rate, the egotistical asshole on the other end spamming you with message after message. But you were too busy to deal with him right now. Sprawled out in front of you was this kid, probably around the same age. He was oddly pale, even as humans went, and he seemed more concerned with the state of his sunglasses than his obviously broken leg. 

“Your glasses look fine,” you point out quietly and he turns his head to catch your gaze before nodding. 

“Fuck, yeah, okay. You’re right.” He replies, now looking more tired than distressed. Humans sure were weird. “Hey sweetcheeks, dial 911 would you?” He added, slowly beginning to prop himself up on his elbows and assessing the damage. 

911? You had no idea what that meant. You didn’t have a human cell phone, either. You couldn’t make calls to human numbers on your palmhusk. “Can I use your phone? Mine... Um, I have no signal." 

You couldn’t tell what look he was giving you, but he just nods and motions down to his front jean pocket. You decide that him having to reach down and fiddle around for it would be more painful than necessary, so you slide your fingers in there and clasp it around the cool electronic. After a moment it’s free and you’re dialing said 911. 

“This is 911,” the operator on the other end of the line responds. “What is your emergency?" 

“Um,” you start, taking a glance at the injured boy again before swallowing down your nervousness. “This guy just got hit by a car. His leg looks broken.” 

“Alright ma’am. I need you to tell me where you are.” 

“Where am I?” Your gut drops and you start glancing around, trying to find some kind of landmark that would distinguish this area from others. “I’m by a Starbucks.” 

“Ma’am, there are about 600 Starbucks in the state of Texas alone. What street are you on?” 

Finally you turn your attention to the injured boy laying at your knees. “Hey, what street is this? I’m sorry, I’m not from around here.” 

“Corner of West Main and Greene.” He replies quickly, while he is, what seems to be, fixing his hair. The kid with the broken leg is completely calm and fixing his hair. 

You decide to ignore this odd behavior and inform the lady of the street names. She asks if the guy is conscious, to which you reply yes. After a few more questions, she asks for your name and your gut drops again. You haven’t had a chance to come up with a proper alias quite yet. Feferi Peixes didn’t really translate well into anything else. “Fefanne Peters,” you blurt out without thinking. Were humans named Fefanne? No turning back now. The lady informed you that medics had dispatched and should be there shortly. After finally getting off the line with the operator, you look down at the boy laying on the concrete. 

“So,” he starts, propping an arm up behind his head. “Fefanne? Is that like, legit? It’s exotic. I like it.” 

“Yeah,” you reply, staring at your own unfamiliar tan hands. The human disguises took some getting used to. “Are you in pain? You seem reely clam... Wait, no I mean calm.” Humans do not use puns, Feferi. Jeez. You need to pull yourself together. 

He made a face, but didn’t comment on the pun. “I’m chill. Ain’t the first time I’ve snapped a bone, probably won’t be the last. It’s all good. So can I call you Annie?" 

“That’s fine,” You decide. Annie sounds much more human that Fefanne. Plus picking an alias too close to your own name probably wouldn’t be such a smart idea. “What’s your name?” 

“Dave,” he chimes, flashing you a light smirk. “Dave Strider. I work at that there little Starbucks. Hopefully my boss won’t piss himself over the fact that I’m taking the day off.” 

You couldn’t help but smile at little back. But suddenly, you were hyper aware of the crowd around the two of you. Lots of people were simply strolling by, but several had attached themselves to the scene likes leeches on a patch of bare skin. Most of them were just staring, but the man with the car who had struck Dave was hovering around his car door. He looks a mix of nervous and well, annoyed. He has a handful of papers and his wallet, and was bouncing on his left leg like an anxious pogostick. 

“So babe,” Dave began, and you once again let yourself focus on him. “You obviously aren’t from around here. Where’d you hail from and what’s brought you here to the boonies?” Another smirk. 

“Hawaii,” you say quickly and nod. You had actually researched the place in question, and had a relevant backstory for anyone who asked. “Hilo, actually. Both my parents work for the Mauna Loa Macadamia Nut Corporation, but it’s safe to say I wasn’t interested in following in their footsteps. So here I am. I traded sandy beaches and clear water pools for... Somefin fresh and exciting and new!” You sound sincere enough, and it wasn’t completely a lie. You had your predecessor, but you don’t believe in her ways and you were looking for something new. 

“Well, welcome to Austin.” He replies with a smile and perks his head up at the sound of sirens. “It’s got a lot to offer. Hot as balls, but a lot to offer. So uh, before they load me up into the ambulance, are you down for pretending you’re my girl so you can snag a seat in the back of the bus with me?” 

“You want me to come with you?” You blink for a moment, but decide it’s a good idea. You were lost, and it would be much easier for your contact to come pick you up at a hospital than it was to continue wandering around. “Shore,” you whisper to him and stare when the EMTs bring out the stretcher. 

“Boo,” he starts, sounding suddenly anxious. “I swear I’m gonna be okay. Ain’t no fuckin’ Prius gonna take me down.” 

After a quick moment of confusion, you realize you’re suppose to be acting. “You have to be okay,” you choke out, squeezing his hand in both of yours. “For me and for our baby.” You hadn’t a single clue what you were doing, but you were damn well going to sell it. 

“You’re pregnant?” He perks up, before putting a fist over his mouth and shaking his head as the EMTs transferred him to the stretcher. “Damn baby, I swear as soon as I survive this goddamn tragedy, we’re gonna run far as fuck from that dad of yours and I’m gonna put a big ol’ diamond on your pretty lil’ finger.” His southern drawl was thicker than earlier, purposely but still believable. You stand as the stretcher is lifted and follow him to the back of the ambulance, and the EMTs don’t seem to hesitate allowing you to sit in the back. If anything, they came across as a little jaded. 

You continue to squeeze his hand and come across as teary eyed as you all ride to the hospital. The ride isn’t too long, and Dave continues to babble shit about you being his soulmate and how he hopes y’all’s baby got his grandmother’s eyes. You didn’t understand some of it, but it was quite the hilarity. Humans certainly were interesting. 

And within the hour were you seated in a waiting room, attention returning to the phone that had yet to stop vibrating. 

TT: Why did I actually order all these goddamn pizzas?  
TT: It’s probably your fault.  
TT: I’m just happy I ain’t dead yet.  
TT: Did that little douche who got struck by a car die?  
TT: I haven’t seen anything on the news yet.  
TT: Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  
TT: You’re eating so much pizza when you get here. It’s required.  
CC: No, he’s naut dead.  
CC: I’m at the hospital.  
CC: He’s getting a cast.  
CC: He promised I can sign it first.  
TT: This is by far the most ridiculous thing that could’ve ever happened.  
TT: You want to run an illegal smuggling operation for wounded trolls and here you are fawning over some human guy.  
TT: Is he cute?  
CC: Shut up.  
CC: Yeah he kinda reely is. Reeeeeeeely pale, but he’s funny.  
TT: Everyone is pale compared to you grey assholes.  
TT: Stop flirting with the human boy and tell me what hospital you’re at.  
CC: Seton Northwest Hospital.   
TT: I’ll be there in about twenty minutes.  
CC: Fine.

You sigh, glancing around the waiting room when a nurse entered and motioned for you to follow. After a quiet walk down a hall, you were led into a room where Dave was propped up in a bed with a cast on his leg and red wrapping around it. You quickly seat yourself in the chair beside the bed and grin at him. 

“Do you still have my phone? I gotta call my brother.” He asks, and you retrieve the cell from your pocket and hand it over. He dials and sighs as he waits for a voice to answer. 

“Yo Bro it’s me.” He starts, running his fingers back through his hair. “Yeah I know I’m supposed to be at work but uh, there was an accident. Some douchenugget in a Prius thought it’d be cool to run me over. I’m at Seton Northwest with a fucked up leg.” He blinks, waiting for the silence on the other end to be filled with some sort of reply. “Bro? Hello?” 

At that moment your phone vibrates once again. 

TT: Is the guy’s name Dave?  
TT: You’re fawning over my broken little brother holy fucking dicks.

“He hung up on me?” Dave said, staring at his phone and leaning his head back against the pillow. “What a dickwad. Hopefully he’s actually going to check me out and isn’t just gonna hope I catch a ride home with a stranger.” 

CC: Oh my cod.  
CC: Your planet must be reely small.  
TT: There’s like seven billion people on this goddamn slab of floating rock.  
TT: You’re just thirsty for Strider cock.  
CC: What’s a cock?  
TT: I’m  
TT: Fuck it I’m not even going to go there.  
TT: I’m in my car now.  
TT: Don’t fucking run off to help some starving orphans while I’m gone.  
CC: Are the orphans reely starving?? 380  
TT: Clam the fuck up, princess.  
\--timaeusTestified [ TT ] ceased pestering cuttlefishCuller [ CC ]--

Sighing, you finally glance back up at Dave. “I’m sure he’ll come get you. Probably lost signal?” You weren’t exactly sure how to tell Dave that she was the alien her brother was helping to smuggle in Alternian rejects, or if he even knew for that matter. “Can I sign your cast now?” 

“Uh,” Dave props up a little, searching his sylladex for a moment before retrieving a Sharpie and handing it over. “Yeah, go for it sweetcheeks.” 

Standing, you lean over the bed and remind yourself that you can’t write ‘Feferi’. Annie, that’s what he calls you. So in your practiced human cursive, you write ‘Annie’ nice and big along the side and sit down. You had spent hours writing in the language before this trip. You had even practiced other human languages, such at Spanish and a little Russian. You were still learning, though. 

Dave leans his head back, mumbling that the painkillers have made him a little foggy, and closing his eyes. You don’t mind the silence at all, taking it lightly and leaning your head down to rest it against the padding of the bed. Your contact was going to be a few minutes, so maybe a little nap wouldn’t hurt... 

***

“So you pretended she was your fuckin’ girlfriend?” You hazily pick up an unfamiliar voice speaking, as well as the bed beneath you jostling and a hand in your hair. 

“Well yeah. She’s hot, so why wouldn’t I drag her along with me?” He trails off, leaning closer to your body. “Hey,” Dave speaks, “Annie, wake up.” His fingers shake your body, fluffing your thick hair and you finally sit up, wiping your tired eyes. 

“Yeah?” You ask, finally glancing over at Bro. He’s taller than Dave, broader in the shoulders and with a more defined jaw. His glasses also look infinitely more stupid. 

“You wanna come home with us?” Dave asks, shrugging his shoulder. “You seemed lost and I’m sure we can help you out.” 

“Hmm?” You hum, patting your hair back and fiddling with your headband. “Shore,” you state finally, knowing you needed to go to their place anyway. Bro is giving you a wide array of disapproving looks, though. You stand up, and watch Dave as he gets a feel for his crutches. Bro has to stop and adjust the height a little for him, but soon enough he’s at the front desk filling out paperwork and not long after that you’re all jammed into a little pick up truck with the tiniest back seat you’ve ever seen. Not all human cars can possibly be this small. 

\--cuttlefishCuller [CC] started trolling caligulasAquarium [CA ]--  
CC: I just wanted to shell you that I’m here!  
CA: does kan knoww  
CA: shes glubbin boat to piss herself wworryin  
CC: Oh cod, I’ll have to let her know.  
CC: She doesn’t seam like the type to worray that much.  
CA: shes got that wwhole motheryly vvibe goin for her  
CA: i think wwere all a little wworrayed boat you fef  
CC: 38?  
CA: leave the question mark mouths to ter wwould ya  
CA: anywwavves  
CA: are you shore this is such a swwell idea   
CC: -----ERIDAN!  
CC: We have been over this!  
CC: My job as an heiress is to train myshellf to the point that I can fork the Condesce and take claim over my planet.  
CC: I probably will die.  
CA: fef dont fuckin say that  
CC: Shoosh! I’m not finished.  
CC: Anywaves.  
CC: I probably will die, so before I’m swimming with the fishes (in a very non peasant way) I want to do some good!  
CA: did you mean non pleasant  
CC: Shore, it’s dangerous and maybe I will live! But, I want to inspire some trolls to do somefin important.  
CC: I could inspire the next Signless.  
CA: hfdskxff  
CC: 38?  
CA: shit sorray  
CA: gam was reachin past me to get his putrid swwill  
CA: and managed to fuckin clamber his hand ovver my keyboard  
CC: Oh right! I forgot to ask how swimming along side Gamsea in that apartment is going?  
CA: the human wworld is horrifically fuckin cruel  
CA: twwo tiny bedrooms and the smallest kitchen imaginable  
CA: i aint got nofin or no one to clean up after me either  
CA: on our human budget wwe cant afford to hire help until gams stupid trust fund goes through  
CA: they aint got a goddamn fuckin clue how to transfer mine to human money either fef  
CA: apparently large treasure chests full of priceless gems aint fetchin much attention on alternia  
CA: stupid goddamn blasted gems  
CA: but seariously fef its torture  
CA: livving wwith gam is like a punishment for a crime i didnt commit  
CA: the carpet is faygo sticky and i caught him pissin in the showwer  
CA: twwice  
CC: Why are you looking at him in the trap? 380  
CA: aww FUCK no  
CA: he leavves the door wwide FUCKIN open  
CA: wwater isnt evven running  
CA: just drops his pants right goddamn there  
CA: not a single lick of decency   
CA: im currently bleachin the showwer AGAIN  
CA: goddamn disgrace to his caste  
CC: Whale...  
CC: At least he’s nice!  
CA: too nice  
CA: i stepped on his toes yesterday and he said sorry  
CA: its bullshit i cant fuckin do it  
CA: gonna cull the stupid son of a beach and do us all a goddamn favvor  
CC: You know karcrab wouldn’t be too pleased!  
CA: speakin of that sorray wwanker  
CA: wwhy the fuck wwould he be culled anywway  
CC: I don’t reely know?  
CC: I mean, he was quite adamant that if he stayed on Alternia long enough to be reevaluated by the imperial drones he’d be culled on spot.  
CA: i wwonder if hes got like  
CA: one leg  
CA: six horns  
CA: fingers stickin out of his ass  
CA: “gam the fuck is wwrong with kar anywway”  
CA: “wwell uh shit brother cant be up and saying much but yknoww its all good hes just karkat aint nothin much to it yknow”  
CA: holding a convversation wwith this troll makes me wwant to claw my sound drums out of my goddamn cranium fef  
CC: Hey I have to go!  
CC: Aboat to get to my contact’s place.  
CC: I’ll let you know how it goes!  
CC: <>  
CA: be safe  
CA: <>  
\--cuttlefishCuller [CC] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]--

Looking around, you were at the apartment building. Bro took a turn around the side of the building, passing some yellow markers and starting down a slow incline that seemed to go underground. You want to speak up and ask why you were going down here, but Dave would probably find that odd. He seems perfectly at ease, attention on his phone where a mess of red and blue text caught your eye. 

Bro drives downward in a spiraling motion for a moment, before coming onto this steadier incline that was littered with other parked cars. Underground parking? How odd. You blink, watching as he goes down another level and pulls into a parking space next to a newer, shiner car. Bright red and sleek, with dark windows. Far more attractive than the rusty red pick-up truck you were currently stuck in. 

“Like it?” Dave inquires, and you guess he noticed you staring through the window. 

“Yeah. A lot.” You grin, carefully pushing the car door open and almost closing it again. Wowee! The heat in this underground parking lot was horrendous. You force yourself to slide out of the cool, air conditioned car and onto the hot pavement below. You could almost feel the heat seeping up through the soles of your shoes. 

“It’s mine,” Dave continues, opening his door as well and carefully maneuvering the crutches out onto the ground. You close your door quickly, tucking your palmhusk away and helping him to the best of your ability. Humans aren’t strong, you remind yourself. You cannot just pick Dave up and hope he doesn’t think it’s strange. “It was a present for my sixteenth. Maybe we can take it out for a spin sometime. Here in the city it doesn’t get much mileage, but it’s nice to drive out of Austin for a road trip every now and then.” 

“I’d like that,” you comment, settled once he’s on his feet. Bro slams his door, keys jingling loudly as he starts a quick pace through the garage and you stay alongside Dave as you follow. Bro is waiting by the elevator impatiently by the time the two of you catch up, and once you’re inside he hits the highest numbered button and you all wait. The elevator is loud, and shakes a little too much for you to relax. Neither of the men alongside you seem to mind, and you guess they must just be jaded to it. 

Once you’re out of the elevator, Bro is once again walking too fast. Down the hall filled with ugly carpet, and you and Dave struggle to keep up. It feels much nicer up here, though. Hot, but with the constant whir of air conditioning. You finally catch up, where Bro has left the apartment door open and you and Dave file inside. 

You make a face, taking in all the wires and weaponry and... Puppets. “Wow,” you blurt out without really thinking, and Bro turns around from where he stands by the kitchen counter. 

“Can you go chill in Dave’s room? I gotta talk to him.” Bro says, jerking his finger towards the door next to the fridge. “Just for a few minutes. Gotta brief him.” 

“Okay,” you answer and quickly start towards Dave’s room. You don’t really want to be there when Bro drops the whole ‘we’re gonna be housing illegal aliens from outer space’ bomb. 

“What are you talking about?” Dave inquirers of Bro as you duck inside the block and close the door behind yourself. Wow, more wires and definitely more weapons. You shake the idea off, heading for the bed and taking a seat. You had people to inform, things to say. It was time. 

cuttlefishCuller [CC] opened up private bulletin board PR-ETTY PINK PRINC-ESS PROT-ECTION PROGRAM!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CC 0:00 HOURS AGO opened memo on board PR-ETTY PINK PRINC-ESS PROT-ECTION PROGRAM!

CC: Okay!  
CC: The memo is officially set up!  
CC: I have added the users who are allowed to respond.  
ghostyTrickster [GT] 0:00 HOURS AGO responded to memo.  
GT: this is actually the coolest thing ever.  
GT: i mean come on!!  
GT: we’re gonna be smuggling aliens.   
GT: so cool.  
CC: Hehe! I’m glad you think so!  
CC: But I just wanted to carp at you all and say I made it on planet!  
CC: Bro is briefing Dave on the situafin.  
tentacleTherapist [TT] 0:00 HOURS AGO responded to memo.  
TT: It’s about time somebody told him.  
TT: I have had an awfully hard time keeping my mouth shut.  
GT: i’m just happy we can finally introduce him to karkat!  
GT: that’s gonna be hilarious.  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] 0:00 HOURS AGO responded to memo.  
CG: THE FUCK ARE YOU IMPLYING?  
GT: well, you two are kinda similar.  
GT: except he’s less angry and also waaaaaaaay better in like every way possible!  
CG: I’M SORRY I’M NOT AS GREAT AS YOUR HUMAN MATESPRIT, JOHN.  
GT: woah that’s like the troll boyfriend/girlfriend right??  
GT: ew no.  
GT: dave is like gross.  
GT: so gross.  
GT: he is super duper gross and you should be ashamed karkat.  
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] 0:00 HOURS AGO responded to memo.  
GA: I Am Glad To Hear You Are Safe Feferi  
CC: Did Eridan not tell you I was?  
GA: No  
GA: The Only Thing Ive Heard From Him In The Last Few Hours Is A Single Message  
GA: It Said  
GA: “I Fuckin Hate Fish Puns So Goddamn Much Kan Life Aint Fair”  
caligulasAquariuam [CA] 0:00 HOURS AGO responded to memo.  
CA: shes a filthy goddamn fuckin liar i didnt say anything like that  
CA: shame on you kan for spinnin such lies  
CA: vvris must be rubbin off on you  
arsenicCatnip [AC] 0:00 HOURS AGO responded to memo.  
AC: :33 < *ac just wanted to remind you all that if any of you inform my meowrail of what i’m doing here i will purrsonally gouge your intestines out and eat them for breakfurest*  
CG: FUCKING NOTED.  
GT: /rolls eyes at the cat girl  
AC: :33 < *ac ain’t screwing around meowther furrker you guys don’t know!!*  
AC: :33 < if he knew about this he would throw a royal furit.  
AC: :33 < i told him this morning that i’m going to earth and he’s furious that he cannot be on the same ship as me.  
AC: :33 < he gets shipped out like a whole week later.  
CG: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH HIM THEN?  
twinArmageddons [TA] 0:00 HOURS AGO responded to memo.  
TA: iinlii2t hiim iin liike ten gyms.  
TA: he’ll bee two bu2y two throw a fuckiing fiit.  
TA: ii 2wear that a22hole ii2 a fuckiing priince22.  
AC: :33 < purrincess equius! i like it.  
TA: ii’m lmao at thii2 mental iimage.  
TA: ct iin a puffy priince22 dre22.  
TA: ga ii got your next project.  
GA: Fuck No  
GA: Im Not Even Going To Elaborate On How Horrible That Idea Is  
GT: who is equius anyway?  
CG: EQUIUS IS BY FAR THE MOST DISGUSTING SACK OF SHIT IN OUR ENTIRE GANG OF SHIT SACKS.  
CG: THIS SWEATY MUSCLEY ASSFUCK GROWS A RAGING ERECTION WHEN GIVEN ORDERS BY ANYBODY HE VIEWS AS SUPERIOR.  
CG: NOT TO MENTION THE HUGE AMOUNT OF HOOFBEAST BULGE PLASTERED ALL OVER HIS WALLS.  
GT: i can’t tell if these are like metaphors or not.  
AC: :33 < nope! *ac dismays over how awkward cuddling her gross meowrail is surrounded by hoofbeast privates*  
GT: what the fuck.  
TT: I thought this was going to be a mission update.  
TT: As much fun as it is to talk about your not so pleasant friends, I do believe we have business to discuss.  
TT: I would like to start.  
TT: My mother and I are on our way to Austin.  
GT: you’re letting her drive?  
GT: i didn’t think she was ever sober enough to even put the key in the ignition properly.  
TT: No, she has paid someone to drive us.  
TT: I offered to do so myself but she insisted that I join her in the back seat.  
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] 0:00 HOURS AGO responded to memo.  
TG: damn struiahgt  
TG: *stright  
TG: *str8  
TT: Mother, I would advise against messaging the group currently.  
TT: I would’ve advised against it two martinis ago.  
TG: nahhh im fien  
TG: so lets get down to busines  
GT: to defeat  
GT: the huuuunnnssss!  
TG: *snorts* johnhny u are sooo great  
TT: Jesus fucking christ.  
GA: Rose  
GA: Is Your Mother Figure Alright  
GA: She Seems  
GA: ...  
GA: Odd  
TT: She’s drunk.  
TT: I’m going to take her phone.  
TG: shdi8olxdcl,ds  
TG: wesfhiiwu 20938  
CC: Sorray, I heard Dave talking and I wanted to eavesdrop.  
CC: Gosh, this memo got reely out of hand.  
CC: Okay, we need to up our coralsponding!  
CC: So, I need updates.   
CC: Location updates, to be specifish.  
TT: Somewhere outside of Austin.  
TT: The large condominium we are renting isn’t far away, according to the driver.  
TT: We are ready to pick up Kanaya and whoever else as soon as we possibly can.  
GA: Good  
GA: I Have Been Stuck In This Motel Room For Two Human Days  
GA: The Atmosphere In Here Is God Awful  
GA: I Think Theres A Urine Stain On The Sheets  
GA: And Um  
GA: A Plastic Balloon Like Object Under The Bed  
GA: Earlier Rose Informed Me That It Is Certainly Not A Balloon  
GA: And To Not Touch It  
TT: We will go shopping before heading back to the condo and pick you out some beautiful silk sheets.  
TT: Maybe some throw pillows, as well.  
TT: We could even go clothing shopping.  
GA: I Think I Would Really Enjoy That  
CA: stop cloggin up the memo wwith your useless rambling  
CA: fef is asking for locations  
GT: sorry, ordering food at a drive thru.  
GT: uh well.  
GT: me and dad are at sonic.  
GT: i asked if we were close and he just took his pipe between his fingers and puffed it before nodding slowly and saying “mhmm yes son, very close. do not worry, son.”  
GT: so um.  
GT: we’re very close to where we need to be.  
CA: im still at my fuckin apartment  
CA: wwith gam  
CA: is this a permanent arrangement  
terminallyCapricious [TC] 0:00 HOURS AGO responded to memo.  
TC: eEeY mAn.  
TC: I’m HeLlA dIgGiN tHeSe LiViN’ aRrAnGeMeNtS.  
CA: no  
CA: no no no no no no NO  
CA: im going to fuckin cull your sorry ass you ignorant sack of sopor swwallowwin land dwwellin goat humpin GARBAGE  
CA: i wwish your lusus had eaten you  
TC: :o(  
CG: WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE.  
CA: oh hi kar  
CG: DO NOT “OH HI KAR” ME.  
CG: YOU CAN’T JUST GO AROUND SAYING NASTY SHIT TO MY MOIRAIL LIKE THAT.  
CG: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT IF I DID IT.  
CG: FEFERI YOU’RE A GIANT FUCKING BITCH.  
CC: 38(  
CA: wwhat the FUCK kar  
CG: EXACTLY.  
TT: Can we not argue over this?  
CA: fef is going out of her wway to savve your stupid ass from alternia  
CA: she is a goddamn QUEEN  
CA: you should be prostratin yourself at her feet  
gardenGnostic [GG] 0:00 HOURS AGO responded to memo.   
GG: this seems like a bad time D:  
GG: but!!  
GG: i wanted to report on my location anyway!  
GG: i am in the sky.  
CA: kar you say nasty shit to your moirail all the fuckin time anywway  
CG: YEAH BUT THAT’S DIFFERENT.  
CA: howw  
CG: BECAUSE I DON’T ACTUALLY FUCKING MEAN IT.  
GG: um hello???????  
GG: im in the sky guys, isnt that cool????  
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A MINUTE JADE.  
GG: wow fuck you!!!!  
GA: Actually Jade That Was Quite Polite For Karkat  
CC: Jade, why are you in the sky? 380  
GG: im in my grandpas private jet!  
GG: its soooo cool!!!  
GG: i see clouds :)  
CA: fuck your clouds  
CG: FEFERI, IT WOULD BE IN EVERYONE’S BEST INTEREST IF YOU JUST BAN YOUR FUCKING MOIRAIL FROM RESPONDING TO THE MEMO.  
CC: Bluh!!!  
CC banned CA from responding to the memo.  
CG: THANK FUCK.  
CC banned CG from responding to the memo.  
CC: FINALLY!  
CC: Jade, where in the sky are you??  
GG: well, according to the gps we are about an hour away from austin!  
GT: wow.  
GT: jade’s in a private jet and rose has a driver.  
GT: me and dad just hopped in the station wagon and drove the last three days.  
CC: Whale, I’m glad you’re all close!  
CC: This means things are going as planned.  
CC: Let me know when you all are at the desired locafins!  
CC: We have some searious work to do.

CC closed memo.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanaya gets acquainted with her new friend, Karkat begins his long journey, and several pesterlog related shenanigans ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im happy to inform yall that this story is 99% based on stomping on bad character tropes that most of the fandom has inherited from the characters  
> especially for the ladies of homestuck  
> (also theres a vomit mention in this chapter but nothing descriptive its literally just the phrase "projectile vomit" so yeah)

TG: this is still by far the most ridiculous shit i have ever heard  
TG: i thought bro was fucking with me until annie turned her holographic watch thing off  
TG: aliens  
TG: god fucking damn aliens  
TT: I think they’re quite lovely, actually.  
TT: Well.  
TT: Kanaya, anyway.  
TG: you wanna jump her bones dont you  
TT: I don’t know what you’re talking about.  
TG: somebody just stamp a goddamn lesbo stamp on your forehead  
TT: Dave, you just found out that an alien race has made contact with Earth and that one of them is going to be sharing a bed with you for an ambiguous amount of time.  
TT: I am sure there are things you’d much rather be discussing than my sexuality.  
TG: yeah i guess  
TG: so like  
TG: annie is an alien princess from this psycho planet called alternia  
TG: right  
TT: That is correct.  
TG: how the everloving fuck did yall contact motherfuckin aliens  
TT: Jade began having weird dreams about this alien race and communicating with them. Finally she plugged one of the handles from her dreams into PesterChum and managed to contact Feferi on the spot.  
TG: so jade had a weird fucking dream and suddenly were smuggling aliens onto the planet  
TG: wont the fbi put us through some extensive electroshock therapy once they catch us  
TG: also does this make jade like psychic?  
TG: somebody give that girl some goddamn tarot cards and a crystal ball  
TT: Anyway, The Condesce made contact with Earth about six months ago. Since then, many harbors have popped up around the country to occupy troll vessels. The Condesce has been using Earth for it’s resources mostly.   
TG: the condesce  
TT: She is the empress. Essentially, Feferi is set in line to take her place. But to do so, Feferi must fight the Condesce and kill her.  
TT: Feferi does not believe she will win.  
TG: so is condy like big and bad  
TT: She’s a ruthless tyrant who has enslaved countless other races. Despite the “peace” between our planets, I fear that as soon as Earth no longer poses useful, we will be doomed.  
TT: According to Karkat, the Empress is famous for enslaving other races for reasons such as hard labor.  
TG: ew  
TG: but okay why the fuck are yall coming to austin  
TT: The largest port for troll vessels is located right by Freeport.  
TT: It’s far enough away from Austin that we will be under the radar but close enough for us to make regular travels.  
TG: none of yall stupid fucks ever been to texas before have you  
TG: its like a three and a half hour drive from austin to freeport  
TG: and thats if youre taking tx 71 east like any other way youre adding a fuckton of useless minutes onto it  
TT: Well most of the trips will be in the middle of the night, considering that’s when the vessels dock.   
TT: We shall depart around midnight, and return around 7:30AM.  
TT: My mother and I have already purchased a large van to transport the smuggled trolls in.   
TT: We will bring music and snacks.  
TG: this is stupid but ok  
TG: but like if her imperial bitch is just gonna like  
TG: enslave us in a few months  
TG: why the fuck is she bringing trolls here like arent we doomed as it is  
TT: She’s buying them time.  
TT: On Alternia, trolls can be culled for all sorts of reasons whether it be disabilities or mutations.  
TT: When trolls reach their adult sweep, the large and quite threatening imperial drones come to their quarters and evaluate them. Any troll who isn’t suited to contribute to troll society is murdered on spot.  
TT: Feferi’s goal is escort these trolls who don’t have much time to Earth, where they’ll be safe.  
TT: For now, at least.  
TT: Feferi’s time of reckoning in approaching, I do believe.  
TT: She will have to face the Condesce and battle her.  
TT: If she does not win, we will all be enslaved most likely.  
TT: But, if she does win, she will recreate troll society and the trolls she has rescued will continue to be safe.  
TT: In any case, we’re simply doing as much good as we possibly can while we still have the chance.  
TG: so this is some straight up charity shit  
TG: this is bullshit i dont wanna get enslaved  
TG: the cute girl in my room doesnt look like she could hurt a fucking fly anyway  
TG: were doomed  
TT: Dave, she is infinitely more powerful than she has led you to believe.  
TT: Highblood strength cannot be underestimated.  
TT: There is a very good chance that the cute girl in your room could kill you six hundred different ways with her bare hands.  
TG: the fuck is a highblood  
TG: also im calling bullshit   
TG: shes all of five foot tall and ninety percent hair  
TT: Don’t underestimate her, Dave.  
TT: And for the whole highblood thing, trolls all have different blood color.  
TT: And they follow a caste system.  
TT: The hemospectrum is comprised of several major parts: red bloods, brown bloods, yellow bloods, green bloods, jade bloods, teal bloods, blue bloods, and purple bloods.  
TT: Depending on the shade you fall under, that determines your position of the caste system. The closer you are to purple, the more powerful and respectable you are.  
TT: Purple bloods have longer lifespans, as well.  
TG: gross  
TT: I agree.  
TG: so when does this bullshit even start  
TT: Well, several of the trolls are already on Earth.  
TT: Kanaya is a jade blood, and considering jade bloods are rare, she was the first smuggled onto the planet.  
TT: They would have not let her leave willingly.  
TT: Vriska and Terezi, two other trolls, were responsible for bringing her here.  
TT: Those two will be responsible for smuggling the majority of the trolls who pass through our care.  
TT: Sollux is another troll we will be in contact with. He is apparently very good with computers, and will be cleaning up after our electronic trail and editing American housing systems to help place the trolls who need it.  
TT: Gamzee and Eridan are two other trolls who are already on Earth. They actually are living in an apartment building a few blocks away from you.  
TT: We will be in continuous contact with them.  
TT: There are several others, but none of them have posed as important quite yet.  
TT: Well, except for Karkat.  
TT: Karkat is a troll whose life depends on being smuggled to Earth safely and being placed with his moirail.  
TG: the fuck is that  
TT: Gamzee is his moirail. Moirails are essentially soulmates on Alternia. Their love is a form of romance that “tiny human think pans can’t possibly comprehend.” Quoting Karkat on that last bit.  
TT: He’s seemingly important to most of the trolls, despite being well...  
TT: An incomprehensible asshole with a superiority complex and a horrible temper who has been dripped in an endless vat of self loathing and lengthy pointless messages nobody cares to read.  
TG: so like troll me but angrier  
TT: Exactly.  
TT: Any other questions?  
TG: yeah  
TG: on a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is it if i fuck an alien  
TT: I’ll answer that when I am more educated on the subject.  
TT: Speaking of said subject, Kanaya is almost here.  
TG: hot damn rose get some  
TT: My eyebrows just wiggled a little. Just an FYI.  
TT: I shall contact you later, Dave.  
TT: I encourage you reach out and talk to some of the trolls.  
TG: any cool ones you recommend  
TT: You would probably like Terezi.  
TT: Due to her blindness she has to see through her nose.  
TG: thats the type of weird fucked up shit that really gets me off  
TG: bless you rose  
TT: Anytime.  
\--tentacleTherapist [ TT ] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [ TG ]--

\--grimAuxliatrix [ GA ] started trolling tentacleTherapist [ TT ]--  
GA: Well  
GA: I Believe I Am Waiting In The Proper Spot  
TT: I’ll get out and search for you.  
TT: What do you look like?  
GA: Um  
GA: Im Wearing A Green Scarf  
GA: Short Dark Hair  
GA: I Have Brown Skin  
TT: Alright, I’m going to get out and circle the building until I find you.  
TT: How is your english?  
GA: Flawed But Decent  
TT: Alright.  
TT: Have you picked an alias?  
GA: Not Quite  
TT: We’ll work on it. I’m beginning my search now.  
GA: The Man By The Ice Dispenser Is Staring  
GA: Please Hurry  
TT: You’re probably the most aesthetically pleasing thing he’s laid his eyes upon all day.  
GA: !!!  
\--tentacleTherapist [ TT ] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [ GA ]--

**Rose:**

You slip out of the car, gently stuffing your phone into your skirt pocket and closing the door behind you. As silly as it seems, you quickly retrieve the mirror from your purse and touch up your lipstick and pat down your hair. Soon your belongings are returned to the bag and you take a look at your surroundings. 

The motel is a large building, with an overhang wrapping all the way around. The land around it was a mix of dry, dusty dirt and trees. Essentially, it was in the middle of nowhere. This was a definitely a very low radar building, and you were sure Kanaya was driving herself batty just being in close proximity to it. 

You begin your way around the building, taking coverage from the sun under the overhang and listening to the quiet drumming of the heel of your boot on the splintering wood walkway. It must be at least a hundred degrees, which probably wasn’t odd considering it was June, but it was still sweltering all the same. New York had certainly not prepared your body for such a climate change. 

You finally round the back corner of the motel, catching sight of Kanaya all the way at the end where the ice dispenser was located. “Hey!” You call out, her head turns up, and she looks quite relieved almost instantly. She begins her way towards you, and you continue with a quick pace in her direction. 

As your bodies inch closer, you took in her features. Curly, dark hair framing her sweet face. Her eyes were bright and wide, and her skin was dark. Probably a middle eastern race, you note to yourself.

“Hello,” she says softly, hugging the sweater in her arms close to her frame. She was much taller than you, with wide hips and long legs. “That place was... Disastrous. God awful, really.”

“I apologize.” You return, nodding and glancing back at the walls of the motel. Peeling paint, and turning green in places. Certainly could use a good power wash and a new coat of paint. “The condominium is much larger, and you will be able to decorate your room as you please. White walls, wood floor; a clean slate.”

“Delightful,” Kanaya chimes in her beautiful voice and you take a deep breath, before turning on your heel and motioning her to follow.

“The car is around front. My mother has fallen asleep, so hopefully we will not have any interruptions in our conversation. Would you still like to go shopping?”

“As outrageous as this sounds,” Kanaya starts, looking down at you as she walks, “I am... What do the humans call it? Jet-lagged? All this travel and change of scenery has left me... Utterly exhausted. Perhaps we can shop at a later date?”

“That’s perfectly acceptable.” You nod your head, coughing a little at the amount of dust in the air. No area this dry should be approved for human life. As soon as two of you are outside the vehicle, you pull the door open and motion for her to slide in first. Once she’s seated, you take a spot next to her and close the door. 

“Seat belt,” you tell her, and take delight in having to buckle it for her. The side of her hip feels pleasant pressed against your hand. 

Kanaya seems very aware of the air conditioning, taking her hands and putting them close to the vent and sighing happily. You simply had to agree. The dry heat of Texas was unwelcome.

“Tell me more about the condominium.” Kanaya says softly, finally looking back at you and settling in her seat.

“It’s right on the coast of Lake Travis,” you reply, pulling up the GPS on your phone and showing her where you were currently located. “We’re by Huntsville, so it’ll be about a three hour drive. But it’s beautiful, Kanaya. A very large building and lots of rooms for everyone we need to house. It’s got a pier as well. It’s right on the water. Do you swim?”

“I’ve lived in a desert my entire life, so no.” Kanaya shook her head, and you note that she probably isn’t too bothered by the Texas heat. 

“I can teach you.” You offer, a little excited to do so. The water would be nice, but Kanaya in a bathing suit would be nicer.

“Oh my.” She says, chuckling and shaking her head. “Maybe. I would be such an awful swimmer, quite honestly.”

“It’s not too hard,” you add with a shake of your head. “I’m sure you’ll pick up on it very quickly.”

“Well, I guess if you are willing to teach me...” Kanaya trails off, turning to give you a gentle smirk with the slightest quirk of her painted lips.

***

\--turntechGodhead [ TG ] started pestering arsenicCatnip [ AC ]--  
TG: yo  
TG: are you terezi  
AC: :3 < *ac glances up from the beast she has just killed with her mighty claws, eying the strange newcomer* no im not! *ac tells the newcomer cautiously, licking blood off of her muzzle*  
TG: ok cool  
AC: :3 < do you rp?? *acs eyes light up excitedly*  
TG: yeah sometimes  
AC: :3 < do you rp FURRIES??? *ac vibrates in excitement*  
TG: hell fucking yeah i rp furries

***

\--turntechGodhead [ TG ] started pestering caligulasAquarium [ CA ]--  
TG: yo hey are you terezi  
CA: do i fuckin look like ter  
TG: well uh  
TG: im looking a box of text so unless terezi is a giant box of text i aint got a goddamn motherfuckin clue  
CA: wwhy are you evven lookin for ter  
TG: rose told me that id probably get along with her  
TG: also she sees through her nose which is fucking badass  
CA: wwell i aint ter  
TG: who are you  
CA: eridan  
TG: i should probably write this shit down so i dont keep mixing you all up  
TG: so far arsenicCatnip is a cute as fuck cat girl named nepeta  
TG: testicle dude is fucking balls to the walls bonkers  
TG: got two sentences in and he started talking about how he wouldnt be associated with someone like terezi  
TG: there was some dick bag who typed like tHiS or soMethING and fucking honked at me stupid juggalo son of a bitch  
CA: thats gam  
CA: the other guy is eq and hes gross  
TG: aight well thanks man im gonna keep lookin  
\--turntechGodhead [ TG ] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [ CA ]--

***

\--turntechGodhead [ TG ] started pestering gallowsCalibrator [ GC ]--  
TG: are you terezi  
GC: 1 4M 4N 4LM1GHTY DR4GON  
TG: terezi sounds like a dragon name lady leetspeak  
GC: YOU S1R JUST M4D3 M3 SWOON  
GC: BUT Y3S  
GC: 1 4M T3R3Z1 PYROP3  
GC: >:]  
TG: cool  
TG: im dave  
GC: OH YOUR3 TH3 D3L1C1OUS R3D HUM4N  
GC: YOUR T3XT 1S NOT ONLY SCRUMPT1OUS  
GC: 1TS GOT 4 STO1C CH4RM  
GC: 4R3 YOU WH4T TH3 HUM4NS C4LL 4 COOLK1D??? >:?  
TG: i dont know why the fuck my text has a taste but  
TG: yeah  
TG: a cool kid is definitely what i am  
TG: but babe heres a major secret to being cool you cant ever actually say youre cool that just like  
TG: butchers the charm  
TG: people just have to see it  
GC: 1 C4NT S33 4NYTH1NG  
TG: oh yeah  
TG: well  
TG: well work on it  
TG: welcome to coolkid 101

***

**Karkat:**

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you’re pretty goddamn fucking panicked out of your wits. Like holy shit, panic this real has made your nutrient sac literally inverse itself and learn how to leap in your abdomen. You might just be sick.

Three days. You had three days to get your sorry ass out of here and as far away from this goddamn hive as possible. Rose told you that she would provide you with some human currency to purchase clothes on Earth, so you only grabbed a few things from your wardrobe. Besides, you had a package sitting on your husktop desk that you needed to open.

You put that off a little longer, though. Gamzee told you to open it right before you left. It was driving you quite mad, though. It had been sitting there almost an entire dark season. The last thing he had mailed before he left for Earth, and you were damn well fucking amazed he wrote your address properly.

But back to business, you need to pack. You shake your head, quickly gathering up stack after stack of DVDs into a bag. Your sylladex was already half full of food, which Tavros had agreed to restock once you met up with him on the Eastern edge of the grublands. The train ride would go throughout the rest of the night and all throughout the next day. It would dock at the East station at around twenty-two hundred hours. 

That’s all you knew for now, though. You knew you would be juggled between ships for the days after that. Who would be accompanying you? No clue. But, troll Will Smith could be with you. You sigh, removing the Hitch poster from your wall and ogling it for a long moment, before tucking it away into your sylladex. Anywhere you need him, WIll Smith would be there to remind you that there are greater things in this god forsaken universe than the bullshit caste system. 

DVDs tucked safely away, you insert yourself into your desk chair and pry open your husktop, signing quickly into Trollian. 

\--carcinoGeneticist [ CG ] started trolling adiosToreador [ AT ]--  
CG: RUN THIS SHIT BY ME AGAIN.  
AT: aLRIGHT,  
AT: i’M GOING TO GET ON A TRAIN IN ABOUT TEN MINUTES,  
AT: tHIS TRAIN IS GOING TO TAKE ME TO THE EAST STATION, wHERE YOU’LL BE,  
CG: I KNOW THAT MUCH, SHIT FOR BRAINS.  
AT: wELL, wHAT ARE YOU EVEN ASKING,  
CG: JUST.  
CG: FUCK I DON’T EVEN KNOW.  
CG: JUST TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS GONNA HAPPEN SOME MORE.  
AT: uM, oKAY,,,  
AT: wELL, tODAY IS THE 9TH BILUNAR PERIGEE OF THE 6TH DARK SEASON’S EQUINOX,  
AT: yOU WILL BE ON YOUR TRAIN FOR A LONG NUMBER OF HOURS,  
AT: bUT WHEN YOU ARRIVE AT THE STATION IT’LL BE THE EVENING OF THE 10TH BILUNAR PERIGEE,  
CG: DUH.  
AT: uH,  
AT: oKAY, wELL,,, aLRIGHT,  
AT: dON’T HAVE TO BE A RAGING ASS ABOUT IT, yKNOW  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS ONCE WE MEET UP, TAVROS. THAT’S WHAT I’M FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT.  
AT: wELL, i HAVE A CHANGE OF CLOTHES FOR YOU, aND SOME CONTACTS,  
AT: lIKE, tHE KIND THAT GO IN YOUR EYES,  
AT: sINCE YOU REQUESTED THEM,  
AT: wHY DO YOU NEED TO COVER YOUR EYES,  
CG: BECAUSE FUCK YOU.  
CG: THAT’S WHY.  
CG: THEN WHAT?  
AT: wOW, rUDE,  
AT: tHEN, wE GO OUTSIDE AND GET ON THE BUS LIKE NORMAL TROLLS WOULD,  
AT: aND WE HEAD TO THE VESSEL I’M RIDING ON,  
AT: tHE CLOTHES, wILL LIKE, aCT AS A DISGUISE,  
AT: sO NO ONE WILL QUESTION WHY YOU’RE GETTING ON THE VESSEL,  
AT: tHAT WAS MY IDEA,  
AT: aNYWAY,  
AT: oNCE YOU’RE ON THE VESSEL I’LL ESCORT YOU TO THE LOADING DOCK AND BACK INTO THE STORAGE ROOMS,  
AT: wHERE WE’LL ESSENTIALLY HIDE YOU IN A GIANT CRATE,  
CG: YOU ARE FUCKING KIDDING ME, RIGHT?  
CG: YOU’RE PUTTING ME IN A FUCKING BOX.  
AT: yEAH,  
AT: i PICKED YOU UP SOME EXTRA PALMHUSK BATTERIES,  
AT: tHAT WAY YOU WON’T BE BORED,  
AT: yOU’RE GONNA BE IN THERE FOR A FEW HOURS,  
AT: aND THEN,  
AT: wE STOP TO LOAD SUPPLIES ONTO ANOTHER VESSEL THAT TEREZI AND SOLLUX ARE ON,  
AT: yOU’LL BE LOADED ON LIKE THE REST OF THE CARGO, sO UH, eXPECT TO BE A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN THEY’RE MOVING YOU AROUND,  
CG: THIS IS BULLSHIT.  
AT: wELL, iT’S EITHER THIS OR, i GUESS, dYING,,,  
AT: tHEN, tEREZI MAKES SURE THAT THE BOX IS THEN AGAIN TRANSPORTED TO THE SHIP VRISKA IS ON,  
CG: HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO TAKE?  
CG: AM I GOING TO SPEND MY ENTIRE WRIGGLING DAY IN A BOX?  
AT: wELL, mOST OF IT,  
AT: yOU SHOULD BE ON EARTH WITH AN HOUR OR TWO OF YOUR WRIGGLING DAY TO SPARE,  
CG: THIS IS GOING TO BE FUCKING HELL.  
AT: yEAH, pROBABLY,  
AT: bUT GAMZEE BOUGHT YOU A DVD PLAYER AND PROMISED TO MAKE COOKIES FOR WHEN YOU ARRIVE,  
AT: dOES THAT MAKE THIS ANY BETTER,  
CG: EXPONENTIALLY.  
CG: HE ONCE MAILED ME A BIRTHDAY CAKE AND IT WAS SMASHED TO HELL IN THE POST SYSTEM BUT FUCK.  
CG: I ABOUT LICKED THE DAMN CONTAINER CLEAN.  
CG: THE IDIOT CAN’T TIE HIS OWN GODDAMN SHOES, BUT HE CAN MAKE SOME TASTY GODDAMN FROSTING.  
CG: WHICH IS FUCKING FANTASTIC BECAUSE A) I FUCKING LOVE TYING KNOTS AND B) CAKE IS BY FAR THE GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT OF TROLLKIND.  
CG: HUMANS HAVE CAKE, RIGHT?  
AT: uH,  
AT: i THINK SO,  
CG: GOOD.  
CG: I AIN’T GOING TO A PLANET THAT DOESN’T HAVE CAKE.  
CG: FUCK THAT NOISE.  
AT: i’M GLAD TO SEE YOU HAVE YOUR PRIORITIES IN ORDER,  
AT: fIRST PRIORITY, cAKE, sECOND, nOT DYING,  
CG: SHUT YOUR SARCASTIC WAGGLING ORAL FLAPS YOU GELATINOUS SACK OF SHIT.  
AT: i CAN SEE WHY GAMZEE LIKES YOU,  
AT: dOWNRIGHT CHARMING,,,  
CG: FUCK OFF.  
AT: gLADLY,  
AT: dON’T MISS THE TRAIN,  
AT: iF YOU MESS THIS UP I’M NOT GOING TO BE THE ONE TO TELL GAMZEE THAT, uH,  
AT: tHAT YOU DIED,,,  
AT: aLRIGHT, fUCKING OFF NOW,  
\--adiosToreador [ AT ] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [ CG ]--

The idea of anyone telling Gamzee that you died makes you feel sicker than you had before. You lean back in your seat, placing your hands over your face and taking a deep breath to settle your anxious stomach. You finally log out of Trollian and tuck your husktop and it’s charger away into your sylladex. It was fully charged, but you weren’t entirely sure you’d be able to use it on the vessels.

Finally, your attention turns to the beat up package that’s been collecting dust on the corner of your desk for days now. Fuck it, you were going to be leaving shortly anyway. Gripping the brown paper wrapping, you dig a claw into the twine and watch it begin to unravel. Soon enough you’re tossing the remains of the twine on the floor and unfolding the paper. Your brows knit, picking up the little note that sat on top of what appeared to be some balled up black fabric.

DeAr kArKaT,

Ey mAn. I KnOw yOuS GoT SoMe sErIoUs mOtHeRfUcKiN ShIt aHeAd oF YoU AnD AlL, aNd lIkE, i wAnTeD To hElP. bUt fUcK, i wAsN'T Up tO BeInG LiKe, KnOwLeDgEaBlE On hOw tO BeInG DoInG ThAt aNd sHiZ. sO I Up aNd jUsT KiNdA, tHoUgHt aBoUt iT FoR A BiT AnD AlL AnD LiKe. MaYbE SoMeThInG ThAt kInDa mOtHeRfUcKiN SmElLs lIkE Me mIgHt hElP? i dUnNo mAn, BuT FuCk iT WaS AlL I CoUlD Do oN ShOrT NoTiCe. I GoTtA Up aNd lEaVe fOr a bIg oL' sHiP AnD ShIt fUcKiN SoOn. BuT YeAh, JuSt gEt tO WeArIn tHaT ShIrT UnDeRnEaTh yOuR OtHeR ClOtHeS Or sOmEtHiNg i gUeSs. I HoPe iT HeLpS, mY PaLeSt oF MoThErFuCkErS.

LoVe, GaMzEe :o) <>

Your fingers glide over the indents on the paper where the pen pressed close, biting your lip and examining the mess of diamonds decorating the margins of the small note. You suck in a deep breath, folding the note up and tucking it into your jean pocket. Finally you turn the brown paper over as well, tearing out the area Gamzee had written you guys’ addresses and tucking that away as well. Didn’t need to leave that here for the imperial drones to find.

Finally, you pick up the black fabric and unfold it. A simple black t-shirt, with Gamzee’s purple symbol on the front. You stare at the soft cotton for a long moment, before giving a glance around as it to check if anyone was watching. Paranoid, you remind yourself. Bringing the fabric to your face, you bury your nub in it and take a long whiff. It smells likes sugar and saltwater and you never want to stop smelling it.

Quickly you come to your senses, standing up and peeling off your hoodie and the shirt with your own symbol off. You quickly yank Gamzee’s shirt over your head, but note that well... It looks like a fucking dress. How fucking tall was this asshole, anyway? You grab the ends, stuffing them away into your jeans and wiggling until it didn’t feel awkward anymore. You quickly yank your shirt back on overtop of it, and even the hoodie. Luckily Alternia was cold at night.

Once that was done, you simply stood there. You had to catch your train in two hours, so you really should be leaving. But, Crabdad. He was the final piece and you didn’t know what to do with him.

On your wait out of your respiteblock, you pick up the sickle from the small table by the door and quickly head downstairs. Crabdad is fumbling around the kitchen, and upon noticing you, make a loud series of clicks to greet you.

“Hey, you enormous fucking asshole.” You say, pursing your lips and feeling a little misty eyed. Well fuck. Be a goddamn man, Karkat. You tell yourself that a few times over, heading over to slide a hand over the exoskeleton along his arm. 

You dig through the cooling unit, digging out any perishables and setting them on the counter. You should just kill him yourself, you think. But you can’t. He needs a fighting chance. 

You open up all containers for easy access, and even dig out the leftover food in the cabinets and set them out for Crabdad incase he got hungry. Turning, he clicks at you again like he knows something is wrong and the tears run freely now. “Don’t fucking do that,” you hiss and grip one of his large claws. “I’m leaving lots of food out for you incase you get hungry, okay. I have to leave now. You’re never going to see me again. Do you fucking understand that?” You grip his claw tighter, knowing it was futile. He didn’t have a brain capable of processing all your words. “I’m going to leave all the doors open, okay? I want you to run as soon as you’re ready. I want you to run far away and maybe find a new troll or just be happy in the grublands, got it? You are not allowed to fucking die.” You gasp, sucking in a deep breath and sniffling. “I love you, you ginormous freakazoid crab sack of garbage, you got that?” You ditch the claw, settling for wrapping your arms around the width of his body and his claw moves to touch the top of your head. 

Finally you pull back, patting his sides and letting him scuffle off to the counter to pick at some of the food that smells particularly good. You watch him, and quietly debate killing him yourself again. At least that way you would know he’s dead. But, you know you aren’t capable of that. So you simply walk around the hive, opening every single door in the entire place and ignoring the constant stream of tears running down your cheeks. You knew this was coming. You just had to tough it out. 

Soon enough, too soon, you had nothing left to do. Crabdad was eating and scurrying around the house wondering why you left the doors open, and you were completely packed. So you simply stared at the front opening of your hive for a long while. Ten minutes? Twenty? You weren’t sure, but finally you just sucked it up. You have to leave. Your goodbyes were said, your bags packed, and your train was waiting. The station was an hour walk, and if you miss that train you were as good as dead.

So finally, with a gust of courage, you power walk straight out your door, past the lawnrings and down the road that led to your salvation. Your sickle tucked close to your stomach and your hood up, you were ready. Well, probably not ready. But damn, you were going to tell yourself you were ready until you believed it wholeheartedly.

***

You make it to the station with about ten minutes to spare, quickly hurrying to the ticket booth and purchasing a ticket for the train you were about to catch. Trolls were already loading onto the train, so you simply followed suit and managed to get a seat alone all the way in the back. This probably wasn’t the best plan, considering there was no where to run if you needed to, but you didn’t want to be in the mix with everyone else. Lowbloods usually sat near the back, anyway. Most of the carts were divided between upper caste, middle caste, and lower caste anyway. None of the lowbloods by the front of the cart seem to pay you any mind, anyway.

You keep your hood up and your head down, knowing your bright eyes would give you away much faster than you’d ever like them to. Sucking in a deep breath, you pull your palmhusk out of your hoodie pocket and quickly let Tavros know you made it onboard. He doesn’t reply, and you think he’s probably asleep. Sleep sounds nice, but you aren’t quite sure how you were going to reach that state.

An idea pops into your head, and you peer over the seats to make sure no one is paying attention to you. once you realize they aren’t, you sink deep down into your seat and slide your fingers under your collar. Gripping the hem of Gamzee’s shirt, you yank it up over your nose and mouth and close your eyes.

***

You jerk awake when the train goes over a particularly wild area on the tracks, and everyone in the cart seems quite jostled by the bouncing movement. You look out the window, and realize it’s daylight outside. The light only stings your eyes a little through the protective glass, and you reach up and yank down the black curtain to cover the window completely and sink back down into your seat. 

Checking your palmhusk, it was only around eighteen hundred hours and your ride would last about four more hours before docking. You had amazingly managed to sleep a good six hours. You felt surprisingly recharged, and you slid Gamzee’s shirt back underneath the collar of your hoodie and opened Trollian on your palmhusk. The one person you really want to talk to isn’t online, but you decide to message him anyway.

\--carcinoGeneticist [ CG ] started trolling terminallyCapricious [ TC ]--  
CG: HEY.  
CG: I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I MADE IT ON THE TRAIN SAFELY.  
CG: I JUST WOKE UP FROM A NAP.  
CG: I KNOW. AMAZING. KARKAT VANTAS ACTUALLY SLEPT.  
CG: I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU.  
CG: THE SHIRT IS NICE.  
CG: GOD I’M SO FUCKING BAD AT THIS SENTIMENTAL SHIT YOU MISERABLE SACK OF POOP BUT I JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU AN UPDATE.  
CG: ALSO TAVROS TOLD ME YOU GOT A DVD PLAYER.  
CG: GUESS HOW MANY SEASONS OF THE THRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR WE’RE GONNA WATCH.  
CG: FUCKING ALL OF THEM.  
CG: AND WE’RE GOING TO EAT ALL THOSE FUCKING COOKIES UNTIL WE PROJECTILE VOMIT, PROBABLY.  
CG: AND THEN WE’RE JUST GOING TO EAT MORE.  
CG: AND WE’RE PROBABLY GONNA PALE MAKEOUT BECAUSE YOU’RE A RAGING PERVERT WHO’S GONNA WANNA GET HIS TONGUE ACTION RIGHT AWAY.  
CG: YOU WON’T SEDUCE ME SO EASILY, Y’KNOW.  
CG: I HAVE SOME WILLPOWER.  
CG: PROBABLY.  
CG: UNLESS THOSE COOKIES ARE HALF AS GOOD AS THE CAKE YOU SENT ME.  
CG: THEN FUCK.  
CG: I’LL LET YOU PILE ME RIGHT THERE, MISTER.  
CG: WOW THIS GOT REALLY EMBARRASSING REALLY FUCKING FAST.  
CG: FUCK THIS.  
CG: I LOVE YOU, YOU PAN-ROTTED IGNORAMUS.   
CG: <>  
\--carcinoGeneticist [ CG ] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [ TC ]--

You sigh at the screen of your palmhusk, backing out of the chat and staring at your other online contacts. Really, the only one online was that Dave human, but talking to him didn’t sound very pleasant. So finally you fish your husktop out of your sylladex, as well as some of your DVDs and spend the next four hours watching troll romcoms and losing track of time.

So when the train docks in the middle of the sappiest scene of your movie, you’re a little annoyed but pack up your things anyway. This is crucial to your existence, Karkat, you tell yourself. You get off the train, giving a glance around and realizing you don’t have a goddamn clue what the hell you’re looking for.

\--carcinoGeneticist [ CG ] started trolling adiosToreador [ AT ]--  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU LOOK LIKE?  
AT: kINDA LIKE MY EMOTICON,  
AT: }:)  
CG: THAT’S FUCKING DESCRIPTIVE.  
CG: TROLL PICASSO COULD FUCKING FORM A GODDAMN WORK OF ART RESEMBLING YOU EXACTLY BASED STRICTLY FROM THAT EMOTICON.  
AT: dIDN’T TROLL PICASSO DO SURREALISTIC ART ANYWAY,,,  
AT: iT WOULDN’T HAVE TO LOOK LIKE ME TO BE ME,  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU LOOK LIKE?  
CG: WAIT, I SEE A REALLY FUCKING STUPID LOOKING GUY OVER THERE.  
CG: I BET THAT’S YOU.  
AT: wAIT, i THINK I SEE YOU,  
AT: yEAH, i’M STARING AT YOUR BACK,  
CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW? I’M WEARING A FUCKING HOOD.  
AT: yOUR JACKET HAS A FADED THRESH PRINCE LOGO ON THE BACK,  
CG: FUCK, YEAH THAT’S ME.  
CG: ARE YOU THE GIANT HORNED IDIOT?  
AT: i’M THE INCREDIBLY HANDSOME GIANT HORNED IDIOT, aCTUALLY,

You roll your eyes, glancing back up from across the station at the taller troll with dark hair and a set of ridiculous looking horns. You approach him quickly, your heart racing faster and faster the closer you got. This is it. For the next few hours Tavros was the only person standing between you and the chopping block. Your life rests in the hands of Tavros Nitram. 

Fan-fucking-tastic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate coding so much but i adore writing pesterlogs do you see my problem


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the entire crate scene at the end is entirely a gift for skylar bc theyre hella

\--adiosToreador [ AT ] started trolling gallowsCalibrator [ GC ]--  
AT: tHE SUBJECT HAS BEEN APPREHENDED,  
AT: pROCEEDING TO NEXT STEP,,,  
AT: nEXT CONTAINMENT VESSEL IS, wELL, a PUBLIC BUS,  
GC: FUCK Y34H  
AT: uH, tEREZI,  
AT: vRISKA MADE UP THE CODE, rEMEMBER,,,  
AT: fUCK YEAH ISN’T PART OF THE CODE,  
GC: WHY TH3 H3LL NOT??  
GC: 4S 4N OFF1C14L SMUGGL3R 1N TH1S H1GHLY 1LL3G4L SMUGGL1NG OP3R4T1ON, 1 D33M TH4T “FUCK Y34H” 1S 4 P3RF3CTLY 4CCP3T4BL3 COD3WORD  
AT: wHAT’S IT CODE FOR,  
GC: 1TS COD3 FOR FUCK Y34H YOU DUMB4SS  
AT: aLSO, wE AREN’T SUPPOSED TO MENTION IN THE CHATS WHAT WE’RE DOING,  
GC: PL333334444S333333333!  
GC: MY MO1R41L H4S TH3S3 CH4TS F1R3W4LL3D SO H4RD TH3 GOV3RNM3NT COULDNT WH4CK US W1TH 4 T3N FOOT POLL  
GC: SOOOOOO????  
AT: sO WHAT,  
GC: WH4TS K4RKL3S L1K3????? >:?  
AT: wELL,  
AT: bEFORE HE PUT IN THE CONTACTS HE WOULDN’T EVEN LOOK AT ME,  
AT: hE’S ALSO, lIKE, rEALLY SHORT,  
AT: hIS HORNS ARE SUPER SMALL,  
AT: sMALLER THAN YOURS BY LIKE, hALF,  
GC: OHHHH MY GOD H3H3H3H3  
GC: 4NYTH1NG 3LS3???  
AT: wELL, wE HAD TO HIDE IN THE UTILITY CLOSET WHILE HE CHANGED,  
GC: D1D YOU S33 H1S BULG3?  
AT: wHAT,  
GC: >;]  
AT: wOW, nO,  
AT: bUT, hE WAS WEARING ONE OF GAMZEE’S SHIRTS UNDERNEATH HIS CLOTHES,  
GC: OH MY GOD  
GC: 1 KN3W 1T  
GC: H3S 4 B1G FUCK1NG SOFT13  
GC: H3 1S TH3 TROLL 3QU1V4L3NT TO TH3 HUM4NS P1LSBURY DOUGH BOY  
AT: i DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS BUT OKAY,  
AT: hE’S REALLY JUMPY, tHOUGH,  
AT: sUPER PARANOID,  
AT: i WONDER WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIM,  
GC: DOES HE HAVE ANY EXTRA LIMBS?  
GC: OR WALK WITH A LIMP?  
AT: nO,  
AT: hE SEEMS PERFECTLY HEALTHY,  
AT: hE WALKS BETTER THAN I DO,  
GC: 1LL F1GUR3 OUT H1S S3CR3T  
GC: JUST W4TCH M3  
GC: 4LSO 1 4M 4 HORR1BL3 FR13ND WHO K33PS FORG3TT1NG TO 4SK  
GC: HOW 4R3 TH3 N3W L3GS??  
AT: wELL,  
AT: wALKING AGAIN IS DEFINITELY REALLY NICE,  
AT: cAN’T DO STAIRS YET, tHOUGH,,,  
AT: bUT I’M GETTING THERE,  
AT: tHE DRONES BARELY PASSED ME FOR MY EVALUATION BUT EQUIUS PUT IN A GOOD WORD FOR ME,  
AT: i ALSO DO EXTRA WORK ON MY VESSEL SO MY UPPERS DON’T START WONDERING IF I WAS WORTH IT,  
AT: aLSO, i HATE TO DO THIS, bUT UH,  
AT: cOULD YOU TELL VRISKA I HAVE KARKAT,  
GC: Y34H 1 C4N  
GC: 1S SH3 B31NG M34N TO YOU 4G41N??  
AT: wHAT DO YOU MEAN AGAIN,  
AT: sHE NEVER STOPPED,,,  
GC: D4MN  
GC: Y34H 1LL B1TCH 4T H3R  
GC: S33Y4!  
GC: L1CK K4RKL3S FOR M3  
AT: i PROBABLY WON’T, bUT OKAY,  
AT: bYE,  
\--adiosToreador [ AT ] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [ GC ]--

***

\--gallowsCalibrator [ GC ] started trolling arachnidsGrip [ AG ]--  
GC: H3Y B1TCH  
GC: 1 OFF1C14LLY 4DD3D FUCK Y34H TO TH3 COD3  
AG: Wow, why didn’t I think of that????????  
GC: 4LSO T4VROS H4S K4RK4T  
AG: Woo! That means phase one is complete.  
GC: TH3R3 4R3 PH4S3S NOW?  
AG: Duh.  
AG: Phase one is getting Karkat at the East station.  
AG: Phase two is getting him onto torea8ore’s ship.  
AG: Phase three is getting his ship all the way to your ship.  
AG: Phase four is getting him onto your ship undetected.  
AG: Phase five is getting your ship to mine.  
AG: Phase six is getting him onto my ship.  
AG: Phase seven is getting him to one of the Earth har8ors.  
AG: Phase 8, my personal favorite, is handing him off to the humans.  
AG: After that, it’s not our pro8lem anymore.

***

**Tavros:**

Settling into the bus seat, you occasionally glance over at Karkat and take in his features. Round face, thick brows, dark circles under his eyes. There was a term for people who made faces like him. Resting bitch phase, you think. That sounds about right.

“Terezi wants me to lick you for her,” you say, and his head turns just to give you a disgusted look.

“Over my dead fucking body,” he reaches up, adjusting his hood and scowling at the seat in front of him that his knees were propped up against. “I don’t know if I’m excited to actually meet her,” he admits and you chuckle a little.

“I get that. She’s definitely interesting...” You nod, deciding to take Karkat’s lead. You sink into your seat, propping your robo-legs carefully up against the seat in front of you and relax. “I think she’s excited to meet you, though. She’ll probably come and sit on your crate.”

“That could have two totally different outcomes depending on how fat she is. One would be annoying, and the other would be painful and probably full of splinters.” He starts, actually chuckling a bit at his own words.

“She’s small.” You add, remembering Terezi quite distinctly. “She’s only like 5’2 and kinda twiggy but... Scary? Yeah, pretty scary. But like, in a not scary way. Like, Vriska is scary in a scary way but... Terezi is different?”

“Yeah because that makes so much sense,” Karkat snorts, rubbing the black fabric around his knees and fidgeting. “I always pictured her looking obnoxious...? Like, really funny looking and angular and over dramatic but also... Oddly hot? Fuck, wait, wrong word. Not hot. She is not hot.”

“We all are aware of your feelings, Karkat.” You know it’s not your place, but the words just kinda spill out. He cuts you a look, groaning.

“At this point I can’t even fucking deny it, which is the shitty thing. But if we’re gonna talk about obvious fucking red feelings, let’s talk about Gamzee swooning over you.”

“Heh,” you reach up, rubbing the back of your head nervously and shrugging. “I’ve noticed that. I just... He’s so sweet, Karkat. I don’t know how to tell him that I’m not flushed for him...”

Karkat groans, tilting his head back against the seat and staring angrily at the ceiling. “I knew you were gonna fucking say it, but I have to say fuck you anyway. Fuck you because if you don’t tell him he’ll continue hopelessly swooning, but fuck, if you say something he’s going to turn into a goddamn woofbeast cub caught in the coldest rain storm of the year. And I’m going to have to just shoosh him throughout the entire fucking episode because I sure as hell can’t say much of anything to make him feel better. What am I supposed to say? Don’t worry Gamzee, I know this sucks major bulge, but serendipity will make it all better! Don’t fucking worry because who knows! Maybe in ten million goddamn years when I’m long dead and you’re a giant weirdo looking hairy clown monster you might find someone who’s willing to look past your rotted think pan and your two left feet and fall in red rom with you and all will be well!”

You frown, finally seeing the side of him that just never shuts up. These would be the big walls of grey text on your Trollian screen. “I’m sorry,” you say because it’s all you know to say. You can’t really apologize for not returning Gamzee’s feelings, but you do feel bad. Gamzee isn’t going to take it well, and Karkat will be left to clean it all up. 

“I can’t bitch at you, I guess. I can’t force you to fall for the goofball.” Karkat huffs, just staring off into space, eyes aimed at the ceiling. “You have to tell him, you know. I’m not doing it for you. Fuck that. Don’t even ask you raging pile of garbage, because I will rip off your robotic legs and smack you with them if you even dare.”

You make a mental note of that, sighing and finally peering out the window. You still had a few minutes longer before your stop. But, you were out of conversation topics. What do you tell the guy who’s moirail’s heart you were going to have to break?

***

TT: So our first run to the harbor will be on June 11th.  
TT: We will depart around 11PM to pick Jade up from the apartment she is renting.  
TT2: You know, Jade’s pops is like mega hot.  
TT: Please don’t talk when I give you updates.  
TT: Anyway.  
TT: We will be dropping Jade off at your place afterwards anyway because she and Feferi are going to scheme or something.  
TT: Upon asking for specifics I received a long page of tech talk.  
TT2: Try me.  
TT2: I’m down for the robo junk.  
TT2: Literally.  
TT2: Robot genitals.  
TT2: You know Daft Punk?  
TT2: I wanna fuck Daft Punk.  
TT: Talking to you makes me contemplate suicide.  
TT2: Daft Punk would probably be pretty bad at giving head.  
TT2: Since helmets don’t have mouths and all.  
[ TT ] has blocked [ TT2 ].

***

CT: D--> I do not understand your reasoning for going to Earth, Nepeta  
CT: D--> I have heard nothing but horrid things about the planet. I forbid it  
AC: :33 < nah.  
AC: :33 < i leave in the morning!  
CT: D--> Nepeta  
AC: :33 < equius  
CT: D--> Nepeta  
AC: :33 < equiusssssssssssssssss!! *ac hisses loudly, hair fluffing up to appear larger*  
CT: D--> No Nepeta stop it  
AC: :33 < *AC CONTINUES TO HISS VERY LOUDLY AT HER BOSSY GROSS LAME MEOWRAIL*  
CT: D--> E%cuse you  
AC: :33 < HISSSSSSSSS  
CT: D--> Stop  
AC: :oo < NO  
CT: D--> This is f001ishness  
AC: :33 < you’re foolishness you big jerk butt  
AC: :33 < i’m going to earth and you can’t stop me.  
AC: :33 < i’m gonna go kiss all the cute human boys and all the purrty human girls.  
CT: D--> Nepeta Leijon I forbid it  
CT: D--> What is with this rebellious streak  
CT: D--> Was I not clear when I told you to stay far away from trouble  
AC: :33 < my new furriend tells me on earth they roll catnip up in paper and smoke it.  
CT: D--> He is no furriend of yours  
AC: :33 < yes  
CT: D--> No  
AC: :33 < YES  
CT: D--> No  
AC: :33 < *STRONG YES*  
AC: :33 < *ac catches ct as he faints furom all the strong*  
CT: D--> You are ridic001ous

***

**Karkat:**

“I cannot even fucking believe how horrendous this is. Like, just... FUCK, LOOK AT IT!” You throw your hands up, watching as Tavros sets up the large crate and he gives you an exhausted look.

“Look Karkat, it’s the biggest one they had. It’s six by three by three. Now, if it’s not to your liking you can sneak back off the vessel and stay on Alternia if you’d like.” You can tell he’s about one million percent done with your endless stream of bullshit, and you cannot bring yourself to blame him. 

“Just, fuck. Give me the extra battery packs.” You hold out your hands, and he finally pulls a small bag out of his sylladex.

“Now, if you need anything just message me. I’ll try to come help, but I may be working and unable to.” He sighs, and you slowly fidget yourself into the giant wooden crate. Tavros closes the crate behind you, locking the padlock and scooting the crate closer to another stack of boxes. You suck in a deep breath, watching the little ray of light spilling in through a crack and listening to the sound of him breathing. “I have to go now. You have everything you need, right?”

“I guess,” you say, feeling your fingers up along the inside of the crate, slowly sinking all the way down to the bottom and crossing your legs. 

“Be quiet, okay. Guards sometimes come up here and just kinda wander around to look for stowaways. Don’t get caught. And if you do get caught, don’t squeal.” Tavros sighs, and you hear his fingers touch the outside of the crate. After a long moment, he is gone and you’re left here. In a giant box. 

You take a deep breath, before pulling out your palmhusk and turning it on silent. You begin scrolling through your contacts, sighing loudly as you decide that now was as good a time as any to strike up a conversation with the newbie.

\--carcinoGeneticist [ CG ] started trolling turntechGodhead [ TG ]--  
CG: I GUESS YOU’RE THE NEW HUMAN.  
TG: yeah man  
TG: brand spanking new  
TG: ment goddamn condition  
TG: sell me on ebay to collectors for few bil  
TG: its like when hostess went out of business and people were selling twinkies online for a couple k  
CG: OH MY GOD SHUT UP.  
CG: I WAS TALKING YOU RAMBLING SACK OF VISCERA AND HUMAN WASTE.  
CG: CALM THE FUCK DOWN FOR A SECOND AND LET ME AT LEAST TELL YOU WHO I AM.  
TG: i aint just made of viscera and human waste  
TG: im at least ten percent ramen noodles  
CG: HOLY FUCKING SHIT.  
CG: OKAY FUCK, FINE.  
CG: MY NAME IS KARKAT.  
TG: yeah i guessed  
TG: john told me you were grey text and pretty goddamn shouty  
TG: its cool though rose said we were like basically the same person but youre just angrier  
TG: so were bound to hate eachother  
TG: team of self loathers 2k14  
TG: we need a hashtag  
TG: #pitypartygoers  
CG: PITY PARTY?  
CG: WOW SLOW THE FUCK DOWN.  
CG: I’M HAPPILY PALE ENGAGED WITH SOMEONE ELSE.  
CG: SO TAKE YOUR GODDAMN PITY PARTY AND SHOVE IT.  
TG: wtf are you talking about  
TG: the hell is a pale engagement  
TG: dude okay school time  
TG: human pity parties are where we sit around feeling sorry for ourselves but do absolutely nothing to fix it because were a sad sack of shit  
TG: my name is dave btw  
CG: YOU ARE WORSE THAN ALL THE OTHER HUMANS COMBINED.  
TG: hahaha holy dicks man  
TG: jade rose and john having a baby  
TG: josaden would be an educated well articulated robot building cake fucker who probably watches too much anime  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT????  
TG: youre my favorite troll besides terezi  
CG: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW TEREZI?  
TG: thats my girl  
TG: im teaching her cool human things and she promised tit pics in reply probably  
TG: dunno if ill ever actually see boobs but shes hilarious anyway  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK.  
CG: HOW DID YOU GET HER TO PROMISE YOU BOOBS?  
TG: i told her id let her lick my ass someday  
TG: i have a super nice ass  
TG: totally worth the lick  
CG: OH MY GOD.  
CG: OH  
CG: MY  
CG: GOD  
CG: WOW JUST FUCK YOU  
CG: YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SEE HER BOOBS  
TG: why  
CG: BECAUSE THEY AREN’T YOURS TO SEE.  
TG: what are you her weird troll boyfriend  
CG: YES.  
CG: WELL NO.  
CG: I’M SO GODDAMN CLOSE.  
TG: nah dude she aint your gf you cant tell her what to do  
CG: SHE’S MY ALMOST MATESPRIT AND I WILL SEE HER BOOBS FIRST.  
TG: yeah dude your shining star boyfriend attitude will totally make tz take her bra off  
TG: im being seduced just reading this bullshit  
CG: IT’S NOT BULLSHIT.  
TG: “shes not my girlfriend but i want her to be so i basically own her and she isnt allowed to do whatever the fuck she wants with her body because i say so”  
CG: SHE’S GOING TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND.  
TG: she hasnt even mentioned you and ive been talking to her for hours  
CG: FUCK OFF.  
TG: youre uninvited to the pity party  
TG: also im totally gonna see boobs first  
CG: YOU’RE ON.  
TG: that wasnt a bet man  
TG: that was a fact  
\--turntechGodhead [ TG ] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [ CG ]--

You stare at your screen, mouth a little agape and brows knit in an angry arch. Who the fuck does this Dave guy think he is? You have been making slow and steady advances at Terezi for SWEEPS now. There was no way this smooth talking fuckwad was gonna move in and just snatch her out from under you. That was complete and utter bullshit.

You momentarily contemplate confessing your feelings, but you know you’re about to go to a new planet and have to learn a whole new language and how human social junk works and you don’t have time to be racking up quadrants that you can’t properly care for. Growling in frustration, you rest your head back against the wooden crate and decide you have a lot of time ahead of you.

***

**John:**

“Dad, I need to borrow the car once we’re finished here.” You start, carrying a box full of kitchen supplies into the next room and setting them on the counter. “Jade and her grandpa are at Dryden Airport TX05 and I wanna go pick them up.” You had never been to Texas before, but the drive couldn’t be far. The airport was still in Austin, anyway. How big could Austin be?

You gather up a handful of mixing spoons, opening a drawer and starting to neatly put them inside. Your Dad hums as he picks places for things, taking a puff of his pipe and finally looking to you. “Okay. You have GPS on your phone, don’t you son?”

“Yes Dad. I plan on using it the whole time.” You nod, moving to grab your bookbag up off the ground and peeking inside. You notice the yellow box of Gushers and feel a sense of relief. You had thought they were missing. You grab your phone from the pocket, opening the GPS and filling out the required information. “See Dad, I have three paths I could take and they all only take about twenty minutes. No sweat.” You nod, showing him the maps on your phone and trying to reassure him. “If I need any help, I won’t hesitate to call you?” You offer that up, and finally he nods and you grin. “Thanks!” You pat his shoulder, before grabbing your backpack and heading into the living room. 

“Hey Nanna,” you smile at her, watching her sit on the couch and quietly fumble through a box of albums. “I’m gonna go pick up my friend Jade. Her and her grandpa are the ones who bought this apartment.” You head over, peeking into the box as she hums.

“I bet she’s a very nice girl...” Nanna trails off, glancing upward, her voice suggestive.

“Oh, ew Nanna.” You shake your head, stepping back a bit. “Jade is like my sister. Strictly platonic.”

Nanna tsks, shaking her head and setting the box aside. “Such a handsome young man. Don’t know how you aren’t fighting ladies off with sticks, ho ho ho.”

“I don’t want to date anyone, Nanna.” You remind her, finally shrugging. “I don’t really care for romance. Besides, friends are like, way better. Don’t worry. I’ll adopt you some cute little grandkids some day and we’ll teach them to be our little prankster heirs. I promise.” You grip the straps of your pack, leaving quietly as Nanna shakes her head and rolls her eyes at you. Oh well. She’ll understand some day.

You exit the front door, heading down the hall of the apartment building and finding yourself outside in no time. The building wasn’t large, but it held several very big apartments. You didn’t mind the fact that you probably had to share a room with Jade, either. As long as she didn’t leave her girly underwear all over the place.

Sighing, you fumble with the car keys and get into the old station wagon. The drive to the airport is, as the GPS said, about twenty minutes long. The airport was a busy mess, though. Countless others of different races and sizes, carrying suitcases and holding signs and bumping shoulders. You began feeling a little claustrophobic as you work your way through the airport and check your phone again. 

\--ghostyTrickster [ GT ] started pestering gardenGnostic [ GG ]--  
GT: hey!!  
GT: i’m here but i don’t know where you guys are.  
GT: i should’ve made a really big sign.  
GG: were picking up bec!!  
GG: just give me a moment were in the kennel.   
GT: okay well i’m by the baggage claim thing.  
GG: haha we already went there!!  
GG: go find the kennel  
GT: bluh fine.

You quickly tuck your phone away, looking for signs and following countless arrows. It was so hard with all the people bumping into you and most of them not even taking the time to mutter sorry. Your dad would lecture the hell out of these idiots! Gosh, didn’t anyone have a decent bone in their body anymore?

You groan as a businesswoman with a rolling suitcase manages to spill some lemonade on you. She starts fumbling around for some napkins in her oversized purse, and you take them and thank her quietly before continuing on your way. Gosh, you were so sick of this place already. You sigh loudly, finally looking up at a sign that pointed towards the kennel. After a few more moments of searching, you finally located the larger sign and headed inside.

Standing by the counter was a girl of average height, clutching tightly the leash of a large white dog. Next to her stood an older man, with a thick mustache who was clutching his hat to his chest as his eyes wander around the room.

“Jade!” You grin, unable to fight off the urge to pounce. You quickly eliminate the space between your two bodies, arms wrapping around her shoulders tightly and squeezing her. Bec seems none too pleased, wedging his way between your legs and barking. You pull back, reaching down to pet the large animal. “Hush. You’ll get yelled at if you keep on barking.” You tell him, kneeling down to fluff his white cheeks and ears. 

Jade grins, nearly bouncing in her spot as she watches you. You’ve never met any of your best friends outside of a computer before, so the moment itself felt a little surreal. You smile back at her, finally standing and reaching out to shake Grandpa Harley’s hand. “Sir, I’m John.” He is dressed sorta like Indiana Jones, adventuring cap and all. 

He continues on to express how pleased he is with the living arrangements and how he’s going to miss the forest. Jade just smiles, touching your shoulder a lot and trying to keep Bec settled. Soon her phone beeps, and again, and again. It beeps a total of ten times, you think. 

“Who is that?” You arch a brow, peeking over her grasp on her phone to try and see the screen. “I see grey text. I should’ve guessed!”

“He’s just whining like a big baby,” Jade rolls her eyes, typing a quick “karkat i dont have time for this right now!!!” before logging out and turning her phone on silent. “C’mon. Let’s get out of here. Bec is getting so antsy! He does not like kennels at all.”

***

**Karkat:**

\--carcinoGeneticist [ CG ] started trolling twinArmageddons [ TA ]--  
CG: SO I HAVE COME TO THE MOST LOGICAL CONCLUSION I POSSIBLY CAN.  
CG: I’VE ADDED UP ALL THE FACTS AND EXAMPLES I COULD MUSTER TOGETHER AND I COULD WRITE Y’ALL A TEN FUCKING PAGE ESSAY ON THE POINT I’M TRYING TO MAKE.  
CG: MY FRIENDS ARE *BY FAR* THE BIGGEST IDIOTS I’VE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF KNOWING.  
CG: SERIOUSLY.  
CG: BETWEEN YOU, TEREZI, VRISKA, TAVROS, FEFERI, AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO IS INVOLVED IN THIS GODDAMN STUPID ASS SMUGGLING OPERATION NONE OF YOU EVEN BOTHERED TO THINK LOGICALLY.  
TA: lmao dude what the hell are you whiiniing about now??  
TA: 2top beiing a major pii22baby.  
CG: THAT BRINGS ME BACK TO MY POINT.  
CG: WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKING IDIOTS THOUGHT IT WAS POSSIBLE FOR ME TO SPEND A LONG ASS TIME IN A BIG BOX WITHOUT HAVING TO TAKE A GODDAMN LEAK???????????  
TA: holy 2hiit.  
TA: kk ii am laughiing 2o fuckiing hard riight now.  
CG: STOP LAUGHING.  
CG: AM I ON YOUR SHIP YET?  
CG: ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES AGO SOME IDIOTS FUCKING PICKED ME UP AND THEY LAID ME DOWN FLAT IN THIS GODDAMN BOX.  
CG: ROSE COMPARED IT TO A HUMAN COFFIN.  
CG: DO YOU KNOW WHAT A HUMAN COFFIN IS, SOLLUX?  
CG: WHEN HUMANS DIE THEY DON’T MAKE GOOD USE OF THE BODIES AND FEED THEM TO HUNGRY BEASTS.  
CG: NO THEY HOLD A GIANT PARTY AND EVERYONE GATHERS AROUND THE CORPSE AND THEY DRESS THE CORPSE UP IN EXPENSIVE FANCY CLOTHES AND PUT THEM IN A BIG WOOD BOX AND THEY ALL PARTY WHILE THEY BURY THAT FUCKER SIX FEET UNDERGROUND.  
CG: SOMEBODY COME LET ME OUT OF THIS GIANT STUPID CORPSE CONTAINMENT DEVICE AND BRING ME SOMETHING TO PISS IN.  
CG: NOTHING CLEAR.  
TA: even iin de2peratiion you don’t want anyone two know your 2tupiid blood color.  
TA: nobody even care2 kk.  
TA: 2eriiou2ly.  
TA: btw ii just me22aged gc.  
TA: 2he’2 briingiing you an empty canteen.  
CG: HOLY FUCK.  
CG: DOES THIS MEAN I’M GONNA LIKE  
CG: MEET HER?  
CG: LIKE FACE TO FACE.  
CG: HOLY SHIT.  
TA: more liike no2e two face.  
TA: terezii wiill ju2t 2niiff you a lot.  
CG: WHAT DOES SHE LOOK LIKE?  
TA: why??  
CG: I’M JUST CURIOUS.  
TA: you ju2t wanna know iif 2he’2 hot.  
CG: FUCK OFF.  
CG: SO LIKE  
CG: IS SHE HOT?  
TA: fuckiing knew iit.  
TA: ii gue22.  
TA: ii thiink 2he’2 cute.  
CG: WHEN I SAY HOT I DON’T MEAN CUTE SOLLUX.  
CG: I MEAN LIKE HOW’S HER RACK?  
TA: poiinty.  
CG: DAMN.  
CG: ARE THEY BIG?  
TA: not really.  
TA: biigger than your’2.  
CG: HARDY FUCKING HAR YOU COMEDIC GODDAMN GENIUS.  
TA: 2he had me 2hiine them thii2 morniing.  
CG: I’M NOT SURE WE’RE TALKING ABOUT THE SAME RACK, SOLLUX.  
TA: oh my god.  
TA: wow okay fuck off.  
TA: bye.  
\--twinArmageddons [ TA ] fucked off--

You try not to groan, fidgeting uncomfortably in your confined spot and hoping Terezi walks fast. She’d probably walk into shit if she walked fast, though. So probably not too fast. You roll onto your side, staring at the wall and trying to ignore your protesting urine sac. This was sucking major bulge. 

It’s several tortuously long minutes before you hear footsteps, along with the constant click of her cane along the metal floors of the storage containment facility. You suck in a needy breath, just about pissing yourself as her cane loudly smacked against the top of your crate. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t yelp, and her maniacal laughter emanates in echoes through the room and you hear the clink of metal as she fidgets with the padlock trapping you inside. “Jeez, Karkles.” Her voice is shrill and a little nasal, but attractive. “Don’t be such a whiny wriggler. I swear, I do not know how you made it out of the grub caves with that kind of nervousness.”

“I cannot fucking help it. You senseless cane swinging would scare the spines out of a spikebeast.” You speak loudly, making a face but reaching up to fix your hair. Fuck, you had no idea what to expect. Cute, scary, nice rack. Horn rack, not boob rack. Maybe nice boob rack, but you weren’t sure yet. Also short. You were short, too. You two could bond over your shortness. Wow fuck, no wonder the stupid human was going to see her boobs first. You were a raging idiot.

When the top of the crate is flipped open, you sit up quickly and suddenly your mouth is dry. You don’t know what to say, so you simply look at her. She’s knelt down next to the crate, sharp teeth framed by thin, dark lips. She’s all angles, with big red eyes hidden behind tinted frames. Her messy hair is pulled back into a quick ponytail, and her horns were definitely shiny. And oh no, she’s so hot. She is so hot wha thte FUCK.

You stare, because what the fuck do you even say to her? Like holy shit, the girl you’ve been harboring red feelings for for sweeps was just blinking at you with the most aggravating shit eating grin you’d ever seen. She looked strangely beautiful, staring at you. She sniffs a bit, reaching out to touch your face. You don’t know what to say. Her hands are cold, and her claws are sharp, but you’re not worried. She’s touching you, and it’s so nice. Her fingers trail over your cheek and up your brow, like she’s painting a picture of you in her mind. It’s so fucking romantic you want to die.

“So,” she bursts out suddenly, pulling her hand back and producing a canteen out of her sylladex. “Sollux told me you were gonna piss your big boy pants.” She snorts, snickering loudly and placing the canteen in your hands. “I stole that off one of the cadets I don’t like. He always rambles on about how he loves the stupid thing. So please piss in it so I can throw it into the garbage disposal and laugh at his dismay.”

Well, romantic moment one hundred percent shattered. You almost groan, but move to stand and stare at the canteen for a long moment. You finally look up, glancing around and taking in your surroundings. Lots of crates, which was good. You need something to hide behind. You step out of the crate, stretching your legs and wandering off to a tall stack of large wooden boxes and sliding between them. Peeking around, you conclude Terezi is not able to see you.

“Pansy!” Terezi chirps from her spot on the floor, and you hear the click of her heels as she stands. “Are you so scared of me seeing your bulge?”

“Can it,” you tell her as you unscrew the canteen lid and begin fumbling with your pants. “I just like a little fucking privacy. Is that too much to fucking ask of you? Unless you wanna come see my bulge.”

“Sure!” Terezi speaks, and you hear her footsteps approaching.

“Oh my god no Terezi go _away_ ,” you nearly hiss, turning your body so she can’t sneak a peek. You were never going to pee at this rate. “I swear to fuck go back to where you were and wait.”

“Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine,” Terezi whines and you hear her footsteps get farther away. It takes you a long moment, but you get yourself situated and the relief of an empty bladder is so welcome. Upon finishing, you quickly screw the canteen shut and feel a little nervous. You doubt Terezi will peek into a container full of your piss to find out what your blood color was, but the troll was a few squirts short of a full grubsauce container afterall. 

You carefully squeeze between the crates again, approaching her and embarrassedly handing the container over. She takes it, and tucks it away into her sylladex before grinning at you again. “I smell clown boy.” She says suddenly, and you give her the most annoyed look you can manage.

“Don’t know what the fuck you’re going on about,” you swear and wonder if Gamzee’s scent is really so strong. You also feel a pang of jealously over the fact that Terezi has met Gamzee before you have. “...What’s he like in person?”

“Big.” Terezi snorts and shakes her head, tucking her hands into her pockets. “Real tall. Looks kinda like a tree, all thin in the body and his hair is like a giant poof of leaves. His words slur a lot. A little hard to understand. He also smells like sugar and sour grapes.” She shrugs, giving another sniff and her brows perking up. “Are you wearing something red?”

You feel your blood pumper skip a beat, staring at her and swallowing down the lump in your throat. “No,” you say firmly but you can tell she smells right through your lie. You are about to continue protesting, when you hear the loud slamming of what sounds like a door and your whole body freezes.

Terezi is quick to react, grabbing you by your sweater and all but pushing you down into the crate. You’re frozen, and you wait for the crate to close but instead she climbs in on top of you. She yanks the crate closed as quietly as possible and you stay silent. All you can hear is the distant footsteps and the sound of Terezi’s breathing and her blood pumping in your ear. But more importantly, her rumble spheres were pressed directly against your face. 

Your hands move, touching her sides ever so gently and trying to keep your own breathing hushed. Especially when the footsteps grow closer. Finally you hold your breath, and just close your eyes and listen to the simple thump thump thump of Terezi’s cardiac system in your sounddrums and you note that if this is the last sound you ever hear... You think you’d be alright with that.

But after a long moment the footsteps start going away. With each passing second the sound of footfalls grows fainter and fainter, and your body slowly relaxes. You can feel Terezi’s muscles also beginning to relax and her weight growing on top of you. It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling, though. You grip her a little closer, hands sliding to her back and fingers splaying there as you keep your eyes closed and listen. 

After the longest few minutes of your life, you hear the slamming of the metal door again as the mystery troll leaves and you sigh loudly in relief. Terezi’s body shifts, but she doesn’t pull up off of you. Instead she moves downward until your nubs bump.

You stare up at her and she stares back down at you and for a moment you swear she was going to kiss you. This was it Karkat. She was going to fucking kiss you and the two of you were going to be matesprits and live happily ever fucking after.

But she doesn’t move. She doesn’t move at all, but her brows furrow and she does something you wish she hadn’t. She sniffs. You don’t register the small action at first, but suddenly her face lights up. Her mouth is all teeth, and her eyes and nose scrunch up as her grin grows to stretch ear to ear.

“I knew I smelt something red!” She chirps, and you feel a rush of anxiety in your blood. Every bit of you stands on end and for the first time in your life you want to be so far away from Terezi Pyrope that she never has to catch a whiff of you again. “Gee Karkles, looks like you really had one hell of a secret in your grasp.” She breaks out into a snicker, but you can’t hear her. You can’t feel her body on top of your’s anymore. 

“Good thing I’m great at keeping secrets.” She says softly, her look softening and she does something you don’t expect. She kisses your cheek. “That’s incase you die, dummy.” She speaks, but you once again can’t speak back. You don’t know what to say to her. But she doesn’t give you the chance to say anything. She gets up, she closes the crate and locks it, and without a word she’s gone.

She’s gone and she knows your secret and she kissed your cheek and you’re not sure what to fucking say about any of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you guys want i have a tumblr where i reblog things its http://www.feministporrim.tumblr.com/ yall can follow me if you want its mostly homestuck and some wtnv and feminism and queer junk

**Author's Note:**

> coding was invented by republicans probably


End file.
